Courage – standing up for myself

I used to be very afraid of standing up for myself.

When I was growing up, as far as I could recall, I never really dared to stand up for myself. I didn’t dare to share publicly my thoughts, emotions & feelings. I kept them all within me, like a private chamber hidden & unknown to everyone else.

Recalling my primary school memories

When I was in primary school, my dad decided to quit his well-paying job & made his foray into setting up a hardware shop in a heartland area. This particular time period is deeply etched in my memory, because it was during this period when I was struggling very badly in school. So badly that I even harboured suicidal thoughts. As children, we had to switch schools & adjust to a completely different environment, so that we can shuttle to & from school, shop & home in a coordinated manner.

My life was completely disrupted. I was so messed up every day that I was unable to do my homework, bring the right books or musical instrument, or stop landing myself into the “bad books” of my teachers. I was literally blacklisted by the teachers, the chosen one for “disciplinary action”, which includes frequent scolding, caning, standing outside the classroom or principal’s office, or exclusive meet-my-dad session after class (which was akin to an open invitation to my dad to whack me after that).

For three years of my life, I was deeply ashamed of myself. I never found the courage to speak up for myself or even defend myself. I accepted all physical & verbal abuse that came my way, and took on the belief that I deserved all these abuse. That no matter what, I should have done my homework, brought the right books, done A to Z, and therefore failing which, I deserved to be punished. Back then, nobody (including myself) bothered to understand “why” – Why was I unable to do all that a proper & well-behaving student would do? To be honest, nobody cared. It was my first (and lasting) taste of the “real world” – the transactional world that we operate in, whereby love, trust & respect are “conditional” upon socially accepted “right” behavior & actions.

I closed myself up like a clam. I literally had no friends. I was so unpopular that my form teacher had to “assign” me a friend to work on a combined project together, and hopefully influence me for the better. I was so traumatised that I couldn’t trust anyone. I would hide in the library during break time, as it was the only safe & non-judgmental space that I could find in the entire school. There, I discovered my safe haven, and my love for books blossomed.

For the next two years of my life, I found much-needed stability & confidence in my life. My dad made the best decision ever to re-locate our home to somewhere fairly close to the shop & school, so that we could head home after school to study. What a luxury! By then, I was already assigned to the last class of my stream. It wasn’t too late. I slowly crawled my way up academically. Along the way, I developed this unwavering determination to succeed academically & in life.

Positive spillovers from my primary school experience

I went on to study at a neighbourhood secondary school right next to my home. It was an interesting experience, as the “cool kids” were those who didn’t do their homework, were chased out of the classroom, caught in fights, and made their teachers angry. What a sharp contrast, and did I regret landing myself there? Not at all, it was on hindsight the best few years of my schooling life.

As a late-bloomer, I grew tremendously in all aspects of my life, from academic results, to self-confidence & self-acceptance. I slowly found the confidence to speak up for myself & defend myself.

One day, my dad launched his usual barrage of vulgarities upon me associated with woman’s private parts. That fateful day, I finally couldn’t take it & argued back: Why do you always hurl vulgarities at me associated with woman’s private parts? Why don’t you hurl vulgarities at brother associated with man’s private parts? Isn’t it unfair? Oh my god, did I just say that? Was that courage? All I knew was my dad reacted as if he was struck by thunderbolt. Radio silence for the next few seconds. From that moment onwards, while he continued using vulgarities, he stopped all references to woman’s private parts for those meant for me. 😉

Working life: My self-perceived status as a doormat

Fast forward to working life, I graduated with a law degree & started working as a trainee & later an associate at a law firm. Due to my experiences growing up in a humble background, I didn’t realise that deep within, the inferiority complex stayed.

On the positive side, it often fuels my motivation to succeed in life. On the negative side, it gave permission to others (knowingly or unknowingly) to treat me badly at work. As associates, we often joked that lawyers look glamorous & powerful on the outside, but the reality begins behind closed doors, where we will literally be treated like doormats: stepped upon, insulted, and made to endure long working hours as if we sold our souls to the law firm. It is the default working culture in most law firms.

Again, I found myself at the receiving end of verbal abuse that questioned my self-worth, self-confidence & self-acceptance. Yet again, I was unable to speak up for myself or defend myself, as I was too fearful of being dismissed. I needed the job badly, because I took on the belief that I was unworthy, hence my self-worth was dependent upon my success at my job. I desperately wanted to succeed at work, because on a deeper level, I wanted to prove to my dad (and all others who looked down upon me in the past) that I could succeed in life.

On one incident, a VIP’s son was interning at the law firm. My boss summoned me into his room, where the VIP’s son was sitting there, and started scolding me over various work matters (which really weren’t that bad) till the boy burst into laughter. It seemed like an excuse to showcase his excellent skills at verbal abuse. On another incident, my boss and I joined in a lunch with a group of interns & lawyers, and he declared publicly that he only chose associates who live in housing flats, because “they are hungry to learn”. As the only associate under his charge then, everyone naturally shifted their gaze towards me. It was not a comfortable experience.

What was my lesson here? Do I simply blame my boss for being an evil person? Or was there anything I could have done to help myself?

According to my Masters, the lesson that I needed to learn here was to utilise my courage to speak up for myself. That, in itself, requires me to shed away old & false limiting beliefs surrounding my unworthiness and inability to receive love, trust & respect from others. From the first incident, it showed that my boss was very much capable of adjusting his treatment accordingly for each individual. It was not as if he was sorely lacking in self-awareness; in fact, he was very much in control of his thoughts, emotions & feelings. His actions towards me were a deliberate exercise of his choice.

Similarly, I could have chosen to speak up for myself & defend myself, if I felt that what he said was inappropriate or untrue. I do not need to give in to his harmful actions by apologising for everything I do, even when it is not wrong. As for my fear of being dismissed for speaking up, release that. Trust that the Masters are watching over every precious child of theirs, and whatever unfolds will be aligned to every child’s highest good, be it the perfect lesson at that moment, or the perfect unfolding process.

Most importantly, the lessons of the past molded you to be the person you are today. For that, give thanks.

Masters, would you like to share anything with everyone here?

Dear children, do not fear all difficult or painful experiences that you have experienced or are experiencing now. We are around with you, each one of you, ready to guide & show you the lessons, so that we can all grow, heal & transform on our soul’s journey. Do not be afraid of exercising your choice – always remember that it is your sacred & divine power to choose. You will be protected for standing & walking in the Light.

And so it is. Blessings be to All! 🤍

---

If you would like to experience deep clarity & healing to issues that affected you badly, you’re welcomed to explore either a General or Themed Akashic Light Reading & Healing Session with me. I will be working with your Akashic Masters to channel the Higher messages meant for you. We are empowered to heal & release. Click the link below for more details.