A few days back, while indulging in my self-care routine with massagers for the eyes, neck & shoulders, certain memories flashed by in my mind. Things that I have long forgotten about myself. The memories felt so familiar yet so distant.
Once upon a time, I was the main character in those pieces of memories. Back then, it felt like life was very hard and a constant struggle & search for the elusive “perfection” that I had in mind. Perhaps due to the multiple setbacks that I had experienced in my primary school days, even at a young age, I was already the harshest disciplinarian that I could ever be, on myself. In my dictionary, there was no room & tolerance for laziness, excuses, failures and mistakes. I would frequently impose high standards on myself, and kept pushing myself to work harder & do better, in order to attain everything that I strived to achieve. Contentment was never part of my vocabulary, for it seemed too indulgent a concept for me to accept, embrace and be worthy of. Back then, I lived my life centered around people’s opinions, judgements and expectations of how a model student & child should be. Perhaps it was my way to correct, and not to re-live, the shadows of the past, where I was a source of shame, embarrassment & disgrace to everyone around me (including my family).
When I bade farewell to my primary school life, it was my precious opportunity to start a new chapter of my life afresh. I could finally disassociate myself with the part of me that felt all alone, rejected and ostracised. The part of me that yearned to fit in & mingle with the rest, but never really could. Like a wanderer searching everywhere for the elusive home, but never really found it.
In my secondary school days, I worked extremely hard to achieve the elusive “perfection” that I had in mind, be it in my studies or my co-curricular activities. Almost to the brink of exhaustion. It felt like I needed to push myself to the extreme, in order not to let myself down, or perhaps to prove to everyone (who looked down on me) wrong. I never allowed myself to bask in the moments of glory and success, which I earned from time to time through my persistent hard work and commitment. Instead, I would quickly snap myself back to the reality, and set my sights on the next target to achieve.
Slowly & steadily, I crawled my way up the so-called ladder of success. I was consistently the top few in school every year, and I amassed all kinds of awards for excelling in my academic studies and co-curricular activities. I was living & breathing the life of a model student that teachers would praise and fellow students would envy.
Unknown to many, it came with a huge price tag to my physical body. In my third year of secondary school, I started noticing that prolonged exposure under the hot sun or chronic stress, would cause my vision to temporarily go haywire. Each time, it would start with a gradual blurring of vision (to the extent that I couldn’t read the words in front of me), coupled with flashes of light, which would eventually affect my entire vision for 15-20 minutes. After that, my vision would gradually return, and I would feel nauseous for the next few hours. These episodes were unpredictable; I could never really estimate when the next relapse would occur. It was only many years later that I discovered the medical term for this condition: retinal (or ocular) migraine.
For many years, I was very puzzled & bothered by this issue with my eyes, as it would impair my ability to even take my examinations properly. On a few occasions, I sensed the initial blurring of vision minutes prior to taking an important examination. I immediately used all kinds of methods & prayers to calm myself down, and thankfully, it didn’t lead to the full onset of the migraine.
Little did I know, that was my body’s way of telling me that something was wrong with it – it was out of rhythm.
With my good grades, I managed to secure a spot in one of the better junior colleges in the northern region. Back then, I wasn’t overly ambitious to enter an even better junior college, as it was (to me) a huge achievement to even trace the footsteps of my elder brother. As one of the few students who came from (unknown) neighbourhood schools, I worked doubly hard to ensure that I could survive & excel. For my co-curricular activity, I chose to train in martial arts, as I was fascinated with the techniques & weapons.
My life in junior college was very stressful. For me, it was a big transition from the familiar subjects in secondary school, to a whole new system of thinking, learning & specialisation in junior college. While I only focused on 5 key subjects, there was definitely so much more depth & mastery required for each subject. In addition, the teaching style was more free-flow, which required us to truly internalise the concepts and to apply them in a variety of situations. Mostly, I found myself struggling to keep up to speed with everyone else.
It didn’t help that the training in martial arts was way too physically exhausting for me. Unlike most of my peers, I didn’t have any prior experience in other forms of martial arts or dance, which would help to build a strong yet flexible body. Instead, I literally had to build my body from scratch, as I forced my body to fit into the intensive drills & routines, hoping that it would get used to them over time. Each training session would often end late at night, and I would be stinking & drenched in sweat as I commute my way home by train.
Once, while training with my weapon (a wooden stick), I accidentally twisted my ankle. Instead of immediately resting & icing my injured ankle, in the spirit of excellence, I continued to put myself through the entire training routine. After the training ended, I literally had to drag my injured ankle back, as I limped & shuffled my way from the junior college to the train station, and from the train station to home. No matter how tired or injured I was, I would always do my best to keep up to pace with everyone else.
Thinking back, this was how extreme I was with my physical body – completely disregarding, and unaware of, my body’s need to rest. Instead, I was overly fixated on benchmarking myself with everyone else, thereby allowing my mind to overrule my body. I wasn’t in touch with my body at all – how it was feeling, what it needed, and what it wanted to tell me.
After almost 5 months of subjecting my body to chronic stress & physical exhaustion, my body finally couldn’t take it any more. It started with me feeling more tired & breathless than usual, during my regular training sessions. I also noticed a drop in my energy levels throughout the day. My migraines were slowly creeping back, with shorter intervals between each episode. The most obvious telltale sign was the unexplainable needle red spots that sprouted all over my lower legs, together with large patches of bruises everywhere.
I was hospitalised for 2 weeks, and subjected to a battery of tests to eliminate other possible illnesses on the list. After much elimination, I was officially diagnosed with a type of autoimmune condition, known as idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura (ITP)*. In simple terms, it is an immune disorder where my body cells mistakenly identified my blood platelets as foreign cells, and attacked them. (*My autoimmune condition has changed to another type in 2010.)
As I reflect on how I had mistreated my body all those years, it really came as no surprise that my body would break down this way.
Initially, when I was first diagnosed with this autoimmune condition, it felt like my (illusory) world was being shattered. The world that I tried so hard all these years to keep up with, blend in, survive and excel. My close brush with death made me realise that I can’t grasp on to everything in life, that my existence on earth is only temporary, and I have to accept that my body has its limitations. It felt like I was given a second chance to live my life, this time with more awareness & purpose. It was also a crucial turning point in my life, which planted the seeds in me to dedicate my life to serve others. Exactly in what capacity & how I would serve others? I didn’t know at all.
After I was discharged from the hospital, I couldn’t return to the same life that I used to have. I had to be very mindful not to push my body to its limits – physically, emotionally and mentally. In my studies, I had to pace myself and to take breaks from time to time. In my co-curricular activity, I had to humbly take a backseat, as a member of the reserve squad for the group competitions. No longer was I vying for any coveted leadership positions in the martial arts team, as I couldn’t keep up with the intensive drills & routines.
In some sense, I lost all that I dreamt of when I joined the martial arts team – the excellence & prestige that my mind was hankering for. Yet, through this process, I reconnected with a part of myself that was pure, simple and idealistic, untainted by worldly expectations. The part of me that seeks for a higher purpose in life. The part of me that desires to make this world a better place for everyone to live in.
After a year, my autoimmune condition improved. I participated in the competition for the individual category of my weapon, and was placed in the reserve team for the group categories. Although I didn’t win any individual medal, I was proud of myself for doing what I could, all the way to the end. For the group categories, we came in 4th, and medals were given to everyone (including my role as a reserve). I still remembered, at the awards presentation ceremony in the junior college, I chose to quietly hide in the crowds, instead of joining the main team on stage to receive the medals. A part of me didn’t feel worthy or deserving of the medals as a reserve member. As the ceremony unfolded, I also felt like an observer witnessing the close of a cycle in the martial arts team – new team joins -> training on repeat mode -> competition -> winning or losing -> existing team leaves, next new team joins. As with life, the cycle repeats, and no one is irreplaceable. Seen in this context, winning or losing is really not that important.
When I was younger, I would blame my parents for the “bad genes” that I inherited, which caused me to be physically weak and ill. I wasn’t aware that my soul consciously chose the family that I was born in, the life that I would experience, the obstacles & challenges that paved my way, the physical illnesses that I chose to take on, and many more. I wasn’t able to see everything that unfolded from a higher perspective of wisdom: What does my soul want to learn from this experience? Instead, I adopted a myopic perspective, such as: Why me, yet again? Why am I so unlucky? What have I done wrong to deserve all these? Why must I be born with such “bad genes”?
Back then, I didn’t realise that this line of questioning, whether directed at myself or my parents, does not benefit anybody involved.
Whenever I blamed my parents, I assumed that it was not my fault and responsibility that all these physical illnesses arose within me. I assumed that it had everything to do with them, and nothing to do with me. Now on hindsight, I realised that I was wrong. By taking on the chronic stress & expectations all those years, I contributed to my physical illnesses developing the way they did. Whenever I asked myself those questions, it was from a perspective of disempowerment, anger, resentment, unfairness and sorrow. It felt as if I could do nothing to heal & uplift myself; I was stuck with the physical illnesses, with no solution in sight. Above all, I was unable to understand the greater learnings involved through each experience. Therefore, I kept reliving these experiences from a victim’s perspective.
These days, I am slowly learning to revisit these past experiences from a higher perspective of wisdom. I am finally ready to reclaim my power & responsibility in the unfoldment of each experience, to garner the necessary learnings and move on. Life is really too fleeting to be spent blaming others (including my parents) for my misery. Before we know it, a cycle is nearing its end, and the next cycle repeats. How then would we want to love & cherish the living while they are still alive? To me, one way to do so is to work deeply on myself. For how can I truly love the living, if I do not resolve / reconcile the past grudges or misunderstandings lodged in my heart space?
The process of healing the past and self-discovery takes time. It cannot be unduly rushed at a pace that the soul is not ready for. When we start revisiting & dislodging the past issues, it may sometimes stir up painful memories & emotions of the past. Therefore, we need maximum courage & persistence to bravely forge ahead, with the aim of healing & reconciling the past. At the same time, we need an open heart & mind to acknowledge the role that we played in each experience. Through it all, we may learn to shift beyond any self-denial & desire to blame others, to acknowledging the past as it unfolded & appreciating the greater learnings for everyone involved. From my personal experience, this is a liberating experience that is simply priceless. To-date, I never regretted my decision to embark on this journey. It remains an ongoing journey for me to work deeply on myself, and to guide my clients along the way.
Masters, would you have anything to share with us?
Dear children, we acknowledge that it is not an easy process to revisit our past experiences as it had happened, with the aim of healing & reconciling the past. The past had already happened, and many of us simply want to move on and disregard the past. But truth be told, the past baggage stays lodged within us, and it remains stuck for decades or lifetimes, until we have the openness, readiness & courage to start working on them, to heal & reconcile the past. We encourage you to give it a try, start small, keep a journal to mindfully record down your experiences of the past which traumatised or scarred you badly. As you retrace these fragments of your memories, emotions may start flowing, and recognise that this is a form of energetic release. You will feel much better as you keep writing and acknowledging the past as it had unfolded. Do not blame the characters that appeared in your life back then. Take responsibility for the events that had happened. That is your way of honouring your soul and the divinity that resides within you. You are greater than your perceived problems, challenges, obstacles and setback. You are an infinite soul who is ready to rise above all odds, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, any time you are ready to acknowledge the past, take the necessary learnings, and move to a higher state within. We have faith in you, and we believe in your infinite potential as always.
With Love & Blessings,
Asha & Akashic Masters
If you would like to receive specific guidance to issues bothering you deeply, you may consider a 1-on-1 Akashic Light Reading & Healing Session with me. I have co-created with my Akashic Masters on a series of General or Themed Akashic Light Reading & Healing Sessions, to assist my clients to receive deep clarity, guidance & healing as needed. Check out my website below for more details. 🌟
If you would like to know more about the Akashic Records, you may check out Episodes 1 to 6 of my free Podcast on “Demystifying the Akashic Records” and the FAQs page in my website. Check out the links below. 🧡
If you would like to know how an Akashic Records session may unfold, you may check out the sample case studies in Episodes 10 to 19, 51 to 53 of my free Podcast. There are also audio recordings of selected blog posts. Check out the links provided above.
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