Today, I am in the mood to reflect on what I took on from my extended family. Specifically, my dad’s side of the family.
I grew up in a conservative family that subscribes to traditional Chinese culture and values. That includes the belief systems on money, which religion, deities and rituals to subscribe to, the hierarchy between elders & younger ones and between males & females, and the kind of interactions that people should engage in.
Most of these, in turn, were imparted from my dad’s side of the family, whether knowingly or unknowingly.
My dad was the eldest in the family of six siblings. In those days, it was normal for couples to give birth to many children. As such, it was a real struggle for couples to earn enough to feed & clothe the entire family. In those days, it was even normal for couples to give away their children to be adopted by others. Therefore, it was a luxury to afford to educate their children. Seen in this context, my dad was rather blessed. His dad paid for his educational expenses all the way to university, where he graduated with a prestigious degree in chemical engineering. My mum often shared with us how extremely frugal my dad was, in order not to burden his parents financially. My dad kept track of all his expenses diligently, and survived years of university education with only 2 shirts on rotation. Upon graduation, my dad quickly found a job, and took it upon himself to pay monthly allowance to his parents, to repay what they gave him and more.
Despite my dad’s efforts & sincerity, I grew up witnessing the strangely frosty relationship between him and his dad. Nobody could really pinpoint how their relationship ended up as such. To me, it felt as if their relationship was centered around money. Without money, perhaps there was nothing left in their relationship. My dad was expected to keep up with a decent amount of allowance to his dad, failing which his dad would reciprocate with a nasty face and sarcastic remarks. Both of them could barely communicate with each other. My dad would often blurt out honest, direct and insensitive comments that were not well-received by his dad, who much preferred others to praise & hold him in high regard.
Every year, we were expected to gather for at least three important occasions, namely, Chinese New Year (CNY), Grandfather’s birthday, and Qingming Festival.
Since young, I disliked CNY. I couldn’t understand why anybody would enjoy CNY. Every year, in the lead-up to CNY, all of us were required to gather at my grandparents’ place for a reunion dinner. Back then, my mum would be summoned, together with the other daughter in-laws, to help out with the cooking in the kitchen. It was a tedious chore, having to deep-fry everything for hours. As such, my mum would always be the last few to reach the dinner table for her meal.
Back then, there was only one wooden round table for the adults to enjoy their reunion dinner. It was the table where all the food was placed. Due to the limited table size, most grandchildren like me & my sister would usually sit outside around those stone tables, where we would have our dinner. As I was quite short last time, I couldn’t really see or grab the food in the main table, which was way too crowded with the adults. As such, my sister and I often had to search for my mum in the kitchen, so that she could help us to take some food. The family culture for eating was on a “first-come, first-served” basis. Everybody was self-centered, and only made sure that they got the best for themselves. It was a sharp contrast to what my mum painstakingly inculcated in us at home. That we should always take only our fair share of each dish, and make sure that everybody else had sufficient to eat. When we eat, we need to think of others.
I also had my first taste of what hierarchy meant in the family. The wooden round table was exclusively reserved for my grandparents (my grandmother was wheelchair bound), my dad, his siblings & spouses, and selected grandchildren.
During CNY, as with all family gatherings, everybody wanted to boast about themselves and their children – how successful they were, how much they earned, how many properties they owned, what schools their children studied in, and how did their children fare in school? At the same time, there was frequently this feeling of jealousy and deep mistrust lurking within everybody’s hearts. It felt as if the purpose of interaction was not a genuine heartfelt desire to know each other better; rather, everybody wanted to win, nobody wanted to lose. It felt like CNY was the perfect, long-awaited opportunity to flaunt themselves and their children, and to finally “win” everybody else.
My dad was no exception. He would fight hard for “airtime” by talking loudly, and felt the need to publicise all our official examination results, sometimes even with the result slips as supporting evidence. Of course, you could imagine the lukewarm response, or even jealousy creeping in the hearts of others.
After each CNY and till the next time we gather, my dad’s conversations at home would frequently center around his siblings and their children, particularly their responses & expressions which indicated that they were unhappy, jealous or not truthful. It felt like a detailed analysis of everybody for months after the CNY ended.
To be honest, I usually find it exhausting, and almost unbearable, to tune in to all these conversations at home. It didn’t help that these conversations went on repeat mode, sometimes even for decades.
To a certain extent, I am directly or indirectly influenced by these memories and the associated belief systems. To me, it comes in the form of triggers, such as my dad’s obsession with money, the perceived selfish behaviour of others, the unfairness, anger & resentment towards generally accepted societal norms on hierarchy based on age, seniority or gender, as well as the perceived boastful behaviour of others.
At the same time, it is a gentle reminder to me to choose who I truly want to be, amidst all these dualities. Am I mindfully aware of all my thoughts, emotions and feelings bubbling within? If not, what are they? Am I ready to let go or make peace with those thoughts, emotions and feelings that do not serve my highest good? If not, what is holding me back?
These days, I have also been wondering to myself:
- How can I hold a conversation with others, without gossiping about others?
- How can I be less judgmental towards myself and others around me? Are my judgements based on old or false beliefs?
- How can I listen more than I speak?
- How can I speak sparingly & appropriately out of love, respect & compassion?
- What is my intention when I speak?
I can imagine how my life would be transformed to the next level, if I internalise and practise the above points. Seen in this light, I can see how these experiences become my friend, rather than my foe. Much to work on! 😉🙌🏻
Masters, would you have anything to share with us?
Most of us have our own version of family drama. It is an issue that pervades almost every household. We can either see these as endless conflicts, or our opportunity for deeper self-realisations. To what extent are we bound or suffocated by all these perceived conflicts & dualities? How can we liberate ourselves from our ancestral beliefs & conditioning, as well as associated triggers? Remember that you are never alone in our soul’s journey. We are always around to support you in this journey together. You can do it! 🤍
