Last week, I chanced upon a photo of myself from 5 years back, after I reinstalled an application that I deleted years ago.
Something in the photo caught my attention.
Physically, that person was obviously me. She had a similar face, spectacles, hairstyle, and wore an evergreen purple long-sleeved collared shirt and office skirt. She posed a faint smile to the camera while seated in her office cubicle.
Energetically, however, that person feels somewhat like a stranger.
As people often shared, the “eyes are the window to the soul”. As I stared deeply into the eyes of that person, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of deep sadness creeping up. That person had weathered through so much storms in life to get to where she was, as a legal counsel of a public agency. Her eyes revealed the fatigue that had settled in, from years of toiling hard at work, abusing her body at the gym, and depleting herself energetically while attempting to be a people pleaser everywhere she went. Her eyes also revealed her disconnection with herself, with her mind often taking the lead and her heart subdued in a corner. Despite putting in her best efforts everywhere she went, deep down, she felt terribly lost and confused. Like a lost buoy floating around aimlessly in the sea, not knowing what she was doing and what exactly she was trying to achieve with all these busy-ness.
At work, she was a perfectionist; she was always trying her best to make sure that everything was done to perfection. She had no qualms imposing unreasonably high standards & expectations upon herself, and coming down hard upon herself for every mistake committed. Every day, she poured in all her heart & soul to make sure that every work matter was promptly handled and completed to the best of her ability. With her obsession to perfection, she often found herself exhausted at work, from scrutinising every work matter, the people involved and their dynamics. It didn’t help that she was much of a control freak at work; she often strived for things to be done in a particular way, and was fearful of any changes or new ideas coming in to disrupt her plans. Deep down, she wasn’t confident of her abilities, and often doubted herself.
During lunch breaks at work, she would voluntarily take on the role of a people pleaser. She would go out of her way to pack lunch almost daily for a fellow colleague who wanted to exercise during lunchtime. It didn’t occur to her that we don’t necessarily have to go out of the way for others, at our own expense. There is nothing selfish or wrong in indulging in precious “me” time, be it enjoying a nice meal, wandering around, or resting and doing nothing in the office. Why must she constantly prioritise others, and deplete herself energetically, at her own expense? Why must she need to be needed?
After work, she would often spend her time at the gym, where she would force her physical body to endure through rigorous exercises like HIIT and kickboxing classes. It seemed as if staying at home to rest, was too much of an indulgence. She often strived to maximise every minute of her time doing something, be it working, exercising, or doing voluntary work. She barely allocated any time for rest, perhaps only sleep time, which explained why the fatigue was evidently shown in her eyes.
Back then, she knew nothing about meditation. She wasn’t aware of the therapeutic effect of mindfully sitting & resting in silence. To her, it seemed as if such activities were reserved only for people who had too much time to spare, or maybe nothing better to do in their lives. It didn’t even occur to her that one day, meditation would be an integral part of her life, something that she would never trade off for anything else.
Back then, she often chose to encapsulate herself in this bubble of busy-ness. She enjoyed the sense of achievement and familiarity that came with subjecting herself to the punishing & exacting routines of busy-ness. Barely a day passed by without her schedule packed to the brim from day to night. While she would occasionally meet up with friends for meals, mostly she would be shuttling from home to work to gym and back to home.
With her obsession to perfection, it spilled over to her fitness regime as well. Like all other regular gym-goers, she badly wanted to build a strong and toned physical body, in order to look good in front of everybody else. As such, she tirelessly subjected herself to rigorous back-to-back fitness classes, carrying weights in the gym, and clocking 10km jog several times every week. With all her efforts, she lost a considerable amount of fats, and her body became noticeably leaner and toned. Over time, however, the punishing fitness schedule started to take a toll on her physical body. It manifested in the form of chronic knee pain, muscle tightness, soreness and pain everywhere. Even so, she barely gave herself any respite. To cope with the injuries and pain, she sought regular treatment from a physiotherapist and went for weekly full body massage. Once, she dislocated one of her toes at home, which her mum shifted it back. For months, she shuffled around with the help of an umbrella. Even so, she continued to report to the gym to do whatever workout was available to her.
That lady was me, five years ago – a high achiever, perfectionist and people pleaser.
As I recalled my past experiences, I couldn’t help but notice how much I have changed as a person.
As I combed through my recent photos, I noticed that my eyes are no longer carrying the energies of sadness, fatigue, disconnection to self, confusion and hopelessness. Unknowingly, my eyes seem to have a glint of acceptance, peace, love, joy and hope these days. Of course, it doesn’t mean that I no longer have any fears, worries, stress, anger, and all other dense energies & emotions in my life. Rather, I have reached a stage in my inner work where no matter what happens, I accept all parts of myself, and I am at peace with myself. I do not need to punish myself, or compare myself with others, for being less than “perfect”. I am beautiful and imperfectly perfect the way I am. I can contribute my Light in my unique ways to the world.
These days, I also learn to observe my perfectionist tendencies, as they arise, with acceptance, love and compassion. Deep down, my perfectionist tendencies stem from my desire to be loved & accepted by others around me. This issue is closely intertwined with my childhood trauma, where I experienced firsthand how my perceived tardiness and stupidity caused me to feel unloved, unaccepted and abandoned by others. Therefore, seeking for perfection was my coping mechanism in response to my childhood trauma.
The word “trauma” is often misunderstood. Many people (including myself) often downplay our negative past experiences, by thinking that it does not amount to “trauma”. It is almost as if the word “trauma” can only be reserved for victims of wartime atrocities such as torture camps. In fact, one dictionary defines “trauma” as an experience that produces psychological injury or pain. Therefore, there is nothing wrong in acknowledging our painful past experiences as “trauma”.
These days, I also learn to pause and rethink, each time a person or situation forces me to act against my free will & choice, in order to fulfill the needs & expectations of others. This may come in various forms, such as guilt tripping me if I do not extend my help (usually by family, friends and colleagues), coercion (usually by persons of authority), and any other types of emotional blackmail. We need to recognise that, often, it takes two hands to clap. What then is our role that contributed to us thinking & feeling that we have no choice but to act or respond in a certain way? Are we ready to claim back our powers to understand & examine ourselves deeply, or are we just ready to adopt the victim mindset of blaming others endlessly? As always, transformation begins with the self, and the choice is always ours.
These days, I also feel more aligned physically and energetically. For physical exercises, I stopped going to the gym for those intensive workouts. Instead, mostly I do a mix of morning jog and evening yin yoga on weekdays, and morning brisk walk on weekends, which provide a good balance of yin & yang energies for my needs. Last time, I forced myself to fit into the exercises. Nowadays, I adjust the exercises to fit me. If necessary, I will slow down my pace, shorten my route or rest. To feel more aligned energetically, I keep up with my daily meditation and regular journaling. The purpose is to allow myself to feel more calm and centered each day, and as much as possible, not to carry forward any dense energies & emotions to the next day. Of course, this is not an easy feat; there may be times when we are unravelling a complex issue that has taken decades or even lifetimes to build up, hence we need to be as gentle, loving and compassionate as we can to ourselves, as we take our time to heal and reconcile the past. Whenever we feel stuck or can’t seem to make much progress working through our issues, know that we can always seek help from others. Even the most competent healers need healing themselves. Therefore, there is nothing shameful or embarrassing to be seeking help from trusted readers and healers.
To-date, I am very much a work in-progress. I am happy to witness my baby steps of progress. And I hope my sharing will motivate and inspire you to embark on, and deepen, your own healing journey.
Masters, would you have any thoughts to share with us?
We are happy to witness how much you have grown in a short span of five years. Everyone has the potential to do what we can, to shift ourselves to a higher and lighter state within. We are never meant to carry our past baggage for life, or to be haunted by the shadows of our past without end. At every moment, we can choose to embark on, or deepen, our healing journey. Do not be afraid of seeking help when the need arises. You do not need to suffer everything alone. We are always here to assist you, if needed. There are many healing modalities in the market; honestly, there is no right or wrong decision, but only a willingness to try and embrace the unknown, whether on your own, or through the assistance of others, or both. May your journey ahead be blessed with much love, light and joy! 🧡🌟🌞
With Love and Blessings,
Asha & Akashic Masters
If you would like to seek deeper healing & clarity through a guided 1-on-1 session in your Akashic Records, you may consider signing up for a General or Themed Akashic Light Reading & Healing Session with me. In particular, Themed Session Two focuses on “Deep Healing of Past & Present Issues Afflicting the Soul”. Know that each session will be uniquely catered to your needs, and I will be fully guided by your Akashic Masters. Check out the link below for details. 🙏🏻
I also have a free series of Podcast on “Demystifying the Akashic Records”. Click the Website or Spotify link below for details. 😉 It is also currently available on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, Stitcher, TuneIn + Alexa, Podcast Addict, Podchaser, Pocket Casts, Deezer, Listen Notes, Player FM, and Podcast Index. Free feel to check them out!
