I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t come naturally to me to be my own greatest supporter.
For more than three decades, I had a very harsh inner critic residing within me. I had no qualms hurling vulgarities at myself, scolding or criticising myself, or talking myself down. For a long time, it even felt like the most natural thing to do. How could I be so indulgent in myself by tolerating my perceived incompetence, stupidity, tardiness & the like?
Deep down, I assumed that the harsher I was towards myself, the better I would be as a person. Somewhere in my experiences, I took on the belief that I needed to be scolded, in order to be of any use to society.
Since young, my dad often repeated to us a hokkien saying that his mum taught him, loosely translated as “if you don’t love a child, he/she won’t die; if you love a child, he/she won’t grow”. It became my dad’s mantra when bringing us up. In my memories, he was a very strict disciplinarian. In my initial years of growing up, he was clocking long hours doing shift work as an engineer. It was extremely exhausting for him, physically, mentally & emotionally. We rarely saw him at home, maybe during certain weekends when he was not required to work. Even for the moments that we gathered, I learned that I should never do anything that would trigger him, lest he explodes like a volcano & lashes out at us like hot lava would.
After my dad quit his well-paying job, he decided to make his foray into setting up a hardware shop. It was instinctive for him, as he grew up helping his parents man their hardware shop as well. Despite my dad’s prior experiences, it was very tough for my parents initially. They literally had to start learning everything from scratch, from the layout of the shop, to the choice of suppliers, the goods to order, the technical skills & knowledge to acquire, and the customers’ needs. It didn’t help that my dad’s youngest brother (who was helping out at my grandfather’s shop) was making a handsome profit reselling old stocks to my parents. My dad ended up paying a huge amount for the cost price of the initial batches of goods.
Back then, I didn’t realise the immense stress faced by my dad, trying to make things work for the hardware shop. It was his only source of income to feed all of us. He also felt obligated to pay sufficient allowances to his dad, as well as to pay expensive hospital bills incurred by his mum. He quietly took all the responsibilities upon his shoulders, and together with my mum, toiled hard for long hours every day with barely any rest.
As the hardware shop was located very far away from our initial school, my dad decided to switch my brother & me to another primary school within the hokkien clan association. It began our nightmare adapting to a new school – different teachers, students, expectations & stressors. It didn’t help that we were also part of the equation trying to cope with the long hours at the hardware shop, as well as the long distance travelling from home to school to shop to home daily.
I was completely lost, confused & exhausted in the new school. From day one, I didn’t feel welcomed. I felt like I was intruding into a foreign environment where I didn’t belong. My grades plunged to rock bottom. My self-esteem & confidence was at an all-time low. I was frequently at the receiving end of public scolding & caning by the teachers.
In those days, when students fare badly in school, it was part of our learning to be publicly reprimanded & caned. It was assumed that such shaming tactics would wake us up, to hopefully change us for the better. When that didn’t work on me, my teachers started taking turns to grasp my wrist after school, in order to catch my dad & offload their list of my wrongdoings unto him. Whenever that happens, I would quietly stand there, with my little head bowed down, filled with deep fear, sadness & embarrassment. Sometimes, I would notice myself trembling uncontrollably as I stand.
I couldn’t remember the exact words of their conversation. I could only recall that each conversation usually centers on my “attitude problem”, involving my inability to bring the right textbooks or files, submit homework on time, or fare well academically. Hence, my teachers felt the need to reiterate this “attitude problem” to my dad, so that he could take the necessary action to remedy this problem. As my dad would usually be exhausted from manning the hardware shop, he could barely contain his anger on our car ride back from school to shop. He would glare at me, spout vulgarities at me for being such a nuisance & embarrassment, and drove speedily back to the shop. If his anger hadn’t dissipated, he would continue to hurl vulgarities at me in the shop. If that was not sufficient, he would whip out his belt or grab a cane nearby, all ready to send his message across physically. Sometimes, I would burst out crying & plead with him to let me off. It felt as if I was pleading for him not to whack me dead, to give me a chance to live & prove everyone wrong.
Deep down, I truly believed that I had this “attitude problem” within me. It was all my fault. I should have brought the right textbooks or files, submitted my homework on time, and studied hard, no matter how difficult it was. I should not find any excuses for myself. Because of my “attitude problem”, I was a failure to society.
Instead of standing up for myself & protecting myself, I ended up growing a harsh inner critic within me. Someone who would relentlessly point out every flaw, weakness & wrongdoing within me, which needed to be rectified immediately.
In my subsequent years, I brought this harsh inner critic with me everywhere I went. After awhile, it felt like second skin to me; like a part of me that existed for my own good. In my secondary school days, I would frequently be my own strict disciplinarian, all ready to scold, criticise or hurl vulgarities at myself for not performing up to my own expectations. I wasn’t even comparing myself with anybody else academically; I was holding myself hostage to meet the perfection that I had in mind. That practice continued in my junior college days and even university days.
When I was working with a difficult boss, my harsh inner critic was even stricter than him. I was hard on myself for all the mistakes committed due to the lack of guidance & my inexperience. My harsh inner critic constantly kept me on my toes, cultivated my eye for details, allowed me not to repeat mistakes & learn speedily in my job. However, my harsh inner critic also added more stress & expectations upon myself, like a walking time bomb waiting to explode. In those years working in the private sector, I was often exhausted to the point where I could barely eat my dinner late at night, and I suffered from insomnia & chronic anxiety (though this was never medically certified). It felt as if my brain was churning about work all day & night, without any end in sight.
Recently, I realised that I don’t need to rely on my harsh inner critic any more. No doubt, she has tried her best to serve me well all these years, but now she is no longer needed. I reached this realisation after two separate experiences.
In my first experience, I was reflecting deeply on my recurring issue of chronic anxiety at work. It puzzled me why I was frequently stressed & anxious at work. On busy days when several work matters needed my attention, I would feel my entire body tensed up, my heart beat racing, my breath constricted, and my mind just couldn’t think as quickly as I wanted. Even during downtime, I would worry over when the next batch of work matters would come in. It was exhausting to feel perpetually anxious at work. As I went deeper within myself, I discovered the stress & expectations that I placed upon myself. As I went even deeper within myself, I located my harsh inner critic, who had been supervising me all these years, to ensure that I would work my hardest to prove everyone wrong. However, times have changed. I have grown up & I am in a much better space to support myself independently. I am ready to make conscious choices over how I feel about myself, others, and the work generally. I am ready to take the lead over my thoughts, feelings & emotions, instead of delegating it to my harsh inner critic to operate everything on autopilot. 🌟
In my second experience, I had been trying very hard to learn how to play the dizi (Chinese flute) well. As someone who is a slow learner, without any talent for wind instruments & with poor hand-eye coordination, it has been an uphill struggle learning the basics of playing the dizi well. Even when I understood the theoretical concepts on a mental level, it does not automatically translate to better or correct blowing techniques in reality. I had to blow the same tune on repeat mode almost every night, and receive repeated guidance from my patient teacher every week, before I was able to apply some of these concepts in reality. Three weeks back, I had a mini panic attack two nights before my weekly session with my teacher. There I was, trying to practise blowing the same tune, but I just couldn’t get the notes right no matter how hard I tried. I immediately concluded that the issue was with me: that I had not been practising hard enough (lazy), that I either forgot or was unable to internalise what I learned from my teacher (slow & stupid). It was all my fault. The same issue persisted the next night, and I gave up trying as it was too demoralising.
Minutes before my session with my teacher, I accidentally tore the dimo (flute membrane) apart while attempting to fix it into the correct position. I panicked & rushed around to gather the materials to replace the dimo as best as I could. In times of stress, it didn’t help that my harsh inner critic became louder than usual, commanding that it was all my fault, for I had been slow, stupid & lazy. That all these issues would have been averted if it had been somebody else. I managed to replace the dimo before the online session with my teacher. However, during the session, I was in a complete mess. I fumbled from the start to the end, barely getting anything right at all. The more frustrated I was with myself, the worse it became for me. Finally, my teacher asked me to stop trying, and checked if I had a hectic work week. I said yes. We then chatted informally about work & life. She shared with me that she occasionally conducts dizi classes for children. Her focus would usually be on the children’s enjoyment of the tune, rather than to get the blowing techniques right. Learning to play the dizi is not meant to be stressful like taking the exams; it is meant to be enjoyable, fun & relaxing. My teacher gave me words of encouragement, before ending the session.
After the session, I reflected on the root cause of the entire incident that had unfolded for the past few days. I realised that I was overly harsh towards myself. As a result, I felt dejected & demoralised, and performed worse than what I would usually be capable of. There was also no basis upon which I concluded that I was “slow, stupid & lazy”. There could be other factors affecting my performance, such as fatigue from a stressful work week, or even misalignment of the dimo.
From both experiences, I realised that my root cause was my lack of self-confidence. It has nothing to do with my lack of intelligence or skillsets. In this context, my Akashic Masters reminded me to be my own greatest supporter. To learn to tell myself that “I can do it”, “I’ve got this”, “I’ve the innate potential to do this”. By doing so, I recognise & affirm the Light that is already within me. I also learn to own my power & greatness that is already within me. In contrast, negative self-talk dims my Light and crushes my self-esteem & confidence; it controls my mind by perpetuating the negativity within me without end.
I am empowered to choose & create my own reality.
From this point onwards, I shall be my own greatest supporter. 💪🏻🌞
Masters, would you like to share anything with us?
Such an amazing realisation that you’ve got. You’ve made a breakthrough in knowing yourself better – your true, divine Light residing within you. It is difficult to forgo the societal opinions that we have taken on across lifetimes & in this lifetime. It is akin to purging the old & false beliefs, in the hope of making way for new beginnings, new reality & fresh perspectives. Keep going, you can do it, you’ve got this.
No matter how difficult life may be, never forget to be your own greatest supporter everywhere you go, everything you do. Such words of encouragement, affirmation & positive self-beliefs are crucial to allow us to own the Light that already resides within us. Your Light is the truth & the essence of who you are. Never stop pursuing, protecting & cultivating the Light within you, no matter what others may think about you. What matters is how you think about yourself.
Love & Blessings to All! 🤍
If you would like to receive deep clarity & healing on issues bothering you deeply, you may consider an Akashic Light Reading & Healing Session with me. I’ve co-created with my Akashic Masters a series of general or themed Akashic Records sessions, which we can customise to cater to your needs. Check out the options available in my link below. 🙏🏻
