For the longest time, I never honored my feelings.
To me, “feelings” were a form of weakness that I should conceal, rather than to announce to the entire world. I never bothered validating, let alone honoring, my feelings. When negative feelings arise, I used to distract myself, bury them deeper, or pretend that they do not exist.
If I were to trace where all these originated from in this lifetime, I think it started from the day I discovered I was a very introverted child. Since young, I didn’t know how to express myself properly to others around me. As a result, I was often blamed by others, without knowing how to defend or even speak up for myself. I quietly swallowed all grievances & injustice down. And simply hoped that time will erase all these memories stored.
But time flew by, more than three decades worth, and I come to realise that these memories are slowly calling out to be healed.
Deeper release of my primary school memories
If you have been following my blog posts for awhile, you will recall that my primary school memories were heartbreaking for me. Back then, I wasn’t even ready to identify my feelings associated with this chapter of my life. I went through those years of my life with a very closed heart. Sometimes, my heart was in so much pain that I uncontrollably revealed my feelings as they were – the exception rather than the norm. On one occasion, my Chinese teacher held on to my wrist tightly after school, and demanded to meet my dad. There, they discussed openly about how problematic I was, listed all my wrongdoings, and how much I really needed to buck up. After a few minutes, I couldn’t bear to listen to their conversation with a stoned face any longer. I couldn’t help but sob uncontrollably as I tuned in to them, completely disgusted with how I was. At that moment, I felt like I was a complete failure from inside out. At such a young age, I couldn’t even meet the basic expectations of all my teachers & even my parents. I had nothing to celebrate, or even look forward to, in this life. My life felt useless & redundant.
Most of the time, I kept to myself. And I kept all my emotions close to my chest, or perhaps in a secret compartment deep within my heart. People around me could rarely tell from my facial expression how I truly feel. It was a skill that I honed to protect myself during these vulnerable years. It was my protective mechanism to shield myself from further judgements & personal attacks from teachers, parents, and students alike. By looking as if I didn’t care at all, or I couldn’t be bothered. In truth, every negative emotion was just suppressed & buried deep within my being.
Being blamed for a mistake that I didn’t commit
For a few years, I had my fair share of scoldings & judgements from teachers almost daily. Teachers looked down on me, so did students. I simply closed my heart & endured everything that came my way. On another occasion, a student lost his precious set of branded paint brushes in class. He immediately blamed me for throwing away his paint brushes (as I sat near him), and demanded that I compensate him for his losses. Back then, my pocket money was $1 a day, sufficient for a basic meal in the canteen. He calculated that I owed him $x (being the original price of his branded paint brushes), and asked me to pay him by instalments, $0.50 per day. Can you believe that I actually paid him every cent that added up to $x, despite me not recalling that I even threw away his paint brushes by mistake? It took me weeks to finish paying him. Back then, I didn’t even feel safe to share this incident with anyone (including my parents). I felt that nobody would trust that I was innocent. So, why bother?
In recent years, whenever I meditate, these memories would sometimes come back to remind me of my childhood scars, waiting to be healed.
Unfolding of my spiritual journey – opening up my heart
As my spiritual journey unfolded, I started tuning in to my heart, slowly observing & acknowledging my feelings & emotions, and worked on opening up my heart. The first time I attempted to open up my heart energetically, tears were uncontrollably streaming down my face throughout the meditation. As someone who rarely cries, it felt so liberating. It was tears that accumulated so much sadness, grievances & injustice (be it from this lifetime or previous lifetimes), all ready to leave. It was also a precious bonding session with my delicate & vulnerable heart, thanking her for protecting me from harm all these years. We are finally ready to unlock the heart & move into a new chapter of our lives together.
Opportunity to practise honoring my feelings & speaking up for myself
As I work on acknowledging, accepting & honoring my feelings, I found myself with a new challenge. It is a new issue yet somewhat familiar to my subconscious mind. As I shared in an earlier blog post, recently I had an unpleasant experience learning dizi (Chinese flute) from a teacher of a music school. I was encouraged to buy a new dizi (despite owning an existing dizi) & a bundled package of 12 lessons. I regretted shortly after the lessons commenced. After my third lesson (excluding the trial class) & a cooling off period, it dawned upon me that maybe I don’t have to put myself through all these emotional stress, anxiety & pain, dealing with the teacher’s expectations & judgements. I don’t have to endure through my teacher’s hurtful words & actions, just to complete the unfinished lessons in the bundled package.
In this case, my conscience is clear. I didn’t do anything wrong.
I have a choice. I can create options for myself. I am not stuck. ✨
I decided to write in to the school to request for a refund. The school was adamant that no refund of unutilised package is allowed, due to their “company policy”, which was explained to me during the sign-up. They insisted that I sell or transfer my package to someone else.
In the past, I would have given up & retreated, even if it is not my fault. This time round, unfortunately for them, my primary school memories related to the boy & his branded paint brushes came up to remind me that it has not been fully healed & released. Just like the past, I could choose to close my heart, endure everything that came my way, and quietly disengage. This time round, I have had enough. My heart is no longer closed. I am ready to take on the fight, and speak my Truth for myself, no matter how difficult it is.
At that moment, I felt so courageous. My trusted friend & former work colleague was all ready on whatsapp to provide me with the necessary ammunition. Whether the arguments made legal sense or not, I couldn’t be bothered. I just needed to air my side of the story, as it is.
After putting forth my case, the school replied that they will investigate further and reply me soon.
It is my first time since the primary school incident, that I bothered to put up a fight for myself, instead of silently assuming that it is my fault & paying the price for it. I am so proud of myself. I finally allowed my heart to take the lead.
Whatever the outcome may be, I pray that it will unfold to the highest good of everyone involved. 🙏🏻
Masters, would you have anything to share with us?
Dear children, do not be afraid of speaking up for yourself, or airing your side of the story. You’re courageous within & you will be supported by us throughout your soul’s journey to learn & discover more about yourself. Do not be afraid of committing mistakes, and taking in these precious lessons in your stride. There is no perfect journey, or the flawless unfolding of events. Mistakes are abound everywhere, which present us with the precious opportunity to revisit our perspectives, rewire, heal & release the past, or even learn something new about ourselves or others. Mistakes should be cherished, as much as victories do. They are all part & parcel of our learning in this lifetime.
We hope you enjoyed this sharing. Sending much Love, Light & Blessings to All! 🤍
