Today, I would like to share a story about myself.
I have always been highly introverted. It was obvious from the day I was born. I enjoyed my own company, and I could sit quietly alone daydreaming for hours. As the second of three children, my parents didn’t expect such a huge contrast between me & my eldest brother, who is highly extroverted. My parents often shared with me stories of him climbing all the way to the top of the fridge, chewing on electricity cable, socialising with other kids, and so forth. So it came as a shock when I was born, how seemingly quiet & slow I was when compared to my brother.
As a child, I was a very slow learner. I needed time to observe all the details, analyse them in my little brain, before I could make sense of anything. In the few years that my mum was a housewife, I could still recall an incident where she was trying to teach me how to hold the chopsticks. We were sitting on the floor, and she was showing me repeatedly how to hold the chopsticks with the hand, shifting her hand up & down for me to see. I wasn’t able to process the learning as quickly as she hoped. Next I know, she threw the chopsticks on the ground out of frustration and walked away. From then on, I gradually learned on my own how to hold a pair of chopsticks.
When I started learning, my parents would often recount my facial expression in class – seemingly blank, lost & confused, looking as if nothing went into my brain throughout the class. In my first primary school, the teacher was even kind enough to extend remedial classes to “slower” children like me. Whoever you are, thank you for your kindness & patience. 🙏🏻
When I was relocated to another primary school, my life was completely upside down. My slow learning style, coupled with my inability to bring the right books or submit my homework on time, led to me being ostracised by teachers & students alike. I was frequently at the receiving end of harsh judgements by teachers, students and even my dad. My teachers would regularly take turns to hold on to me after school, to catch my dad for an exclusive “meet-my-dad” session. There, they would share all my wrongdoings with my dad, who would get extremely agitated with me. I was a huge source of embarrassment to him. When we returned to the shop, if his anger hadn’t dissipated, he would pull out his belt and with eyes like an animal, all ready to whack me dead with his belt. All these years, thanks to my mum who was always around to protect us from excessive lashing and to control my dad’s fury. Can you imagine, in my young mind back then, I could even harbour the thought of “If you ever kill me with your belt, I will make sure you are imprisoned for all your life”. That was how intense & extreme the experiences felt back then.
In my formative years, these judgements from others cumulatively led me to believe that “I am very stupid & slow”.
The teachers were brutally frank with their assessment of how hopeless I was academically, sharing publicly to my dad, fellow teachers & myself as well. I was a huge source of embarrassment for these teachers as well, as my poor grades were indirectly a reflection of their inability to teach well, and therefore affected their performance. Whenever my dad shared about his children with others, I am usually associated with phrases like “I don’t have much hopes / expectations of her”, “she is very slow”, “her grades are bad”, “I specially requested for the teacher to send her to the last class”. In conversations with my mum back then, he loved to mention how my brother & sister inherited his family’s genes, whereas I resembled my mum’s genes. In simple terms, that means “stupid & slow = mum’s genes”.
Fast forward till today, I continued to hold on to this judgement that I had taken on from others, that “I am very stupid & slow”.
In fact, it didn’t even occur to me that this judgement from others was imprinted in my subconscious mind, yet to be fully healed & released.
I only realised yesterday, when I went for my dizi (Chinese flute) class. I couldn’t secure an earlier appointment with my teacher, and I had to settle for the last slot. I waited outside the studio as my teacher enjoyed his dizi class with an intermediate level student. Both of them had a good time playing their dizi to a tune that sounded so complex, bright & melodious. When it was my turn, my teacher was probably tired from the day’s work. After he checked in with me where we last stopped for class, he asked me to practise blowing the different notes to the right pitch to “warm up”. There I was, struggling to get some notes to the right pitch, despite him showing repeatedly to me how to position my mouth to blow it. He could barely contain his frustration, as he asked me to blow the dizi without any notes for 5 minutes. He also repeatedly showed me how my fingers were way too tense, therefore causing some airholes to not be completely covered. As a last resort, he asked me to blow his shorter “G” note dizi, hoping that my fingers & mouth would then be positioned correctly. In the end, he couldn’t take it any more and commented that “even with the shorter dizi, you still can’t play it well”. He was left fuming quietly on his own for the remaining session, as I continued to practise hard on my own.
In theory, I understood everything that he was trying to convey to me. However, in reality, I was unable to immediately process it correctly and put it into practice. Despite my best efforts, I was unable to meet his expectations to blow all the notes to the right pitch. The “warm up” session became the focus of the entire session. At the end of the session, I thanked him and left.
But I left with a very heavy heart. The feeling was uncomfortable, yet strangely familiar. It felt as if I suppressed a ton of emotions within, unable to process what these emotions were, or why I felt the way I did. When I finally reached home & my mum asked me about my session, all I could say was ” I already tried my best. Why am I so stupid & slow?”. And I started crying uncontrollably.
After I retreated to my room, I opened my Akashic Records & consulted my Akashic Masters. They were with me throughout the dizi class, quietly witnessing all that had happened. When I recounted my experience and asked them “Why am I so stupid & slow?”, my Akashic Masters replied: “What makes you think that you are stupid or slow? Where did you take on these beliefs from?”
As we investigated further, we traced it back to the childhood trauma that I had experienced, where I took on this judgement from others that “I am very stupid & slow”. Through the years of being repeatedly reminded of this judgement, I ended up taking it on and believing it to be TRUE. That there is something defective within me, that “I am very stupid & slow”. Even though I managed to do well academically later on, I never disassociated myself from this judgement. Therefore, when I am in similar circumstances, I may feel triggered due to this judgement taken on from others within me.
So how do we release all these judgements that we have taken on from others?
My Akashic Masters shared with me a few methods for my situation.
The first method is to mindfully recognise and protect my own Light within me. Do not allow others to destroy or dim my Light at their whim & fancy, or at the slightest judgement passed by them. They can perceive all they want about me, but what matters is how I perceive myself to be. If I had already tried my best, that suffices; I do not need to perceive myself negatively even if others do so.
The second method is to balance my karma (unhealed memories & wounds) with others, especially those associated with my inner child. Inner child experiences are those experiences which I had taken on when I was 0 to 12 years old.
The third method is mindful journalling or reflections, where I take time to recall, reflect & journal down on all my experiences related to this judgement, tracing back to when it all started & unfolded along the way. This is a form of energetic release, where I allow myself to acknowledge & accept the past that had happened, and to heal & release the past & present whenever I am ready. It is this third method that I am using today in sharing my story with everyone here. 😉
We hope that this sharing gives you the courage, clarity & inspiration to overcome any harsh judgements taken on from others. 🙌🏻
Sending much Love, Light & Blessings to All! 🤍
If you would like to be guided through your healing & releasing of judgements taken on from others, you may want to check out the Themed Akashic Light Reading & Healing Session which I have co-created with the Akashic Masters. Themed Session 2 centers on “Deep Healing of Past & Present Issues Afflicting the Soul”. Feel free to contact me if you need more details. 🙏🏻
